In reviewing the response essay, The Black walnut tree, I found it to be a fair written essay. The writer overall, is organized with a clear logical thesis. However, lacking topic sentences, and relating back to the thesis makes the essay a choppy read. Also, ideas of the essay may not be fully developed and lacking ample evidence. The writer may want to consider a more thorough read through to make sure mechanics such as, grammar and punctuation are correct.
To start off this review, I would like to note the writers organization. I feel the origination is well done as it follows the order of the poem. If the writer would like to improve they may want to look at their thesis, and write the essay in that order. Another option would be to rewrite the thesis to match the body of the essay. Otherwise the organization is well constructed with strong sentence structure.
The next point that caught my attention, was the lack of topic sentences. This point made it difficult to follow the essay as the writer jumps directly into the next topic. Transitions are key when writing, and should be smooth for a reader. The missing topic sentences made the paper boring to read.
My final suggestion to the writer, is to make sure you have fully developed ideas, with supporting evidence. The first two paragraphs are lacking in this department. However, if they were to follow more closely to the context of the third paragraph this would be a better developed essay.
In conclusion, this writer has room for improvement in transitioning the body of the essay, and developing each paragraph to get their point across to their reader. As well as, improvement at a more local level, such as punctuation, where to use a period instead of a comma for instance. Overall this is a good start to an essay, but it can be built upon.
Hi Brittany,
ReplyDeleteThis is obviously a thorough examination of your previous essay. I have a few critiques to give you. However, I want to start out by saying you have made easily followed paper, with clear explanation as to your logic.
For the break down, on a global scale, it is clear. I would say this is a passing essay. However, I will say that, even in a revision strategies essay, you should try to stick to the full essay format. For example, the revision strategies essay is also missing a thesis statement. Your main body paragraphs give easily followed transitions (1: organization, 2: topic sentences, 3: supporting evidence). However, your thesis statement is “The writer may want to consider a more thorough read through to make sure mechanics such as, grammar and punctuation are correct." Unfortunately, this thesis statement does not address your main topics. I would expect the paper to be discussing grammar over organizational concerns. Furthermore, your conclusion should always restate the main thesis. Consider this restatement a rubber stamp on the paper. You could easily rephrase your conclusion as, “In conclusion, this writer has room for improvement in transitioning the body of the essay, and developing each paragraph to get their point across to their reader through better transitions, support and overall organization.”
On another note, while you state the points you want to make, you can flush them out and clarify. For instance, when you say, “I feel the origination is well done as it follows the order of the poem. If the writer would like to improve they may want to look at their thesis, and write the essay in that order” I would like you to quote the thesis itself and expand more fully on what was lacking. It is a great point, and I could see you doing more with this statement so that I can see what you mean even better. Without reading the response essay, I do not know the specifics that you are referring to. I would like you to explain to me why you have the point of view you have.
I would also like to see your tone and voice a little more throughout the piece. It feels very distant and scripted. Try playing with a bit more rhetorical devices, etc. Maybe play with metaphors or irony. Just a bit more devices will humanize the essay some more.
Overall, I score this essay at a 3.8 (76%)
_________________________________________
Critical Thinking: 5
Organization: 4
Evidence: 3
Language: 3
Mechanics: 4