I found the response to my revision strategy essay to be well written, with distinct key points of my improvement such as, revising the thesis statement, and conclusion, and adding evidence to my essay. I found these points to be presented in an organized, well developed manner.
From a global stand point, the response is organized and easy to follow. The response is filled with great evidence on how to revise my essay such as, " I will say that, even in a revision strategies essay, you should try to
stick to the full essay format. For example, the revision strategies
essay is also missing a thesis statement. Your main body paragraphs give easily followed transitions (1:
organization, 2: topic sentences, 3: supporting evidence). However, your
thesis statement is “The writer may want to consider a more thorough
read through to make sure mechanics such as, grammar and punctuation are
correct." Unfortunately, this thesis statement does not address your
main topics.". This gives a great way to improve upon the thesis of my previous essay. Continuing on, I feel the evidence and organization was also included through the explanation of a conclusion, for example, "Consider this restatement a rubber stamp on the paper."
Moving on in the response, the lack of fully developed ideas, and having to jump between articles is brought to my attention. "Without reading the response essay, I do not know the specifics that you
are referring to. I would like you to explain to me why you have the
point of view you have". This is a good point, for some people may not have access to both articles, or what not. I felt you presented this idea in a well thought out fashion.
My final thoughts, would be how to present my own paper in my voice. As i read through your response, your voice came through with the directions.
In conclusion, I felt this was a well organized response, with few grammatical errors. Also, full of useful evidence as well as, ideas on improvement.
Monday, August 25, 2014
Sunday, August 24, 2014
revision strategy essay
In reviewing the response essay, The Black walnut tree, I found it to be a fair written essay. The writer overall, is organized with a clear logical thesis. However, lacking topic sentences, and relating back to the thesis makes the essay a choppy read. Also, ideas of the essay may not be fully developed and lacking ample evidence. The writer may want to consider a more thorough read through to make sure mechanics such as, grammar and punctuation are correct.
To start off this review, I would like to note the writers organization. I feel the origination is well done as it follows the order of the poem. If the writer would like to improve they may want to look at their thesis, and write the essay in that order. Another option would be to rewrite the thesis to match the body of the essay. Otherwise the organization is well constructed with strong sentence structure.
The next point that caught my attention, was the lack of topic sentences. This point made it difficult to follow the essay as the writer jumps directly into the next topic. Transitions are key when writing, and should be smooth for a reader. The missing topic sentences made the paper boring to read.
My final suggestion to the writer, is to make sure you have fully developed ideas, with supporting evidence. The first two paragraphs are lacking in this department. However, if they were to follow more closely to the context of the third paragraph this would be a better developed essay.
In conclusion, this writer has room for improvement in transitioning the body of the essay, and developing each paragraph to get their point across to their reader. As well as, improvement at a more local level, such as punctuation, where to use a period instead of a comma for instance. Overall this is a good start to an essay, but it can be built upon.
To start off this review, I would like to note the writers organization. I feel the origination is well done as it follows the order of the poem. If the writer would like to improve they may want to look at their thesis, and write the essay in that order. Another option would be to rewrite the thesis to match the body of the essay. Otherwise the organization is well constructed with strong sentence structure.
The next point that caught my attention, was the lack of topic sentences. This point made it difficult to follow the essay as the writer jumps directly into the next topic. Transitions are key when writing, and should be smooth for a reader. The missing topic sentences made the paper boring to read.
My final suggestion to the writer, is to make sure you have fully developed ideas, with supporting evidence. The first two paragraphs are lacking in this department. However, if they were to follow more closely to the context of the third paragraph this would be a better developed essay.
In conclusion, this writer has room for improvement in transitioning the body of the essay, and developing each paragraph to get their point across to their reader. As well as, improvement at a more local level, such as punctuation, where to use a period instead of a comma for instance. Overall this is a good start to an essay, but it can be built upon.
Monday, August 18, 2014
The Black Walnut Tree 2
Upon analyzing "the black walnut tree" written by Mary Oliver, I found
it to be about a struggle between financial burden verses family
heritage. It is a well written poem, and when you read between the lines
you find a mother and a daughter trying to come to a decision about
this tree, whether to keep it, and honor the father, or to rid the tree
and their financial troubles. I feel the poem is well written, with a good use of imagery, and the use of line splitting to add emphasis throughout the poem.
The author illustrates the beginning of the debate (oliver, line 1-5), the mortgage would be paid off if they had a lumberjack bring down the tree. The tone is serious, you can tell by the way the author begins the first line so directly and matter of fact, "my mother and I debated"(Oliver line 1). The end of the line creates the tone.
The author uses imagery to give the reader a clear picture of the tree, and more reasons to rid of the tree. Such as, "it's roots growing into the cellar" and "it's heavy leaves"(Oliver, line12-14). I feel she painted a dark picture of the tree. This dark imagery shows the reader the one side of the struggle.
The following line is the turning point in the poem, also where we find the conflict. "something brighter that money" (Oliver, line 18-line19) In my mind, when I read this line someone turned on the sun. The author goes on to talk about the father and blue fields and starts to incorporate color into the poem, lightening the mood. This is where their family heritage means more to them than money.
For these reasons, the morgage and the spirit of the father, the family is struggling in their decision to keep the tree. The tree must have meant something more to the father, and in turn means more to them, than ridding their financial burden.
The author illustrates the beginning of the debate (oliver, line 1-5), the mortgage would be paid off if they had a lumberjack bring down the tree. The tone is serious, you can tell by the way the author begins the first line so directly and matter of fact, "my mother and I debated"(Oliver line 1). The end of the line creates the tone.
The author uses imagery to give the reader a clear picture of the tree, and more reasons to rid of the tree. Such as, "it's roots growing into the cellar" and "it's heavy leaves"(Oliver, line12-14). I feel she painted a dark picture of the tree. This dark imagery shows the reader the one side of the struggle.
The following line is the turning point in the poem, also where we find the conflict. "something brighter that money" (Oliver, line 18-line19) In my mind, when I read this line someone turned on the sun. The author goes on to talk about the father and blue fields and starts to incorporate color into the poem, lightening the mood. This is where their family heritage means more to them than money.
For these reasons, the morgage and the spirit of the father, the family is struggling in their decision to keep the tree. The tree must have meant something more to the father, and in turn means more to them, than ridding their financial burden.
Sunday, August 10, 2014
The Black Walnut Tree
Upon analysing "the black walnut tree" written by Mary Oliver, I found it to be about a struggle between financial burden verses family heritage. It is a well written poem, and when you read between the lines you find a mother and a daughter trying to come to a decision about this tree, whether to keep it, and honor the father, or to rid the tree and their financial troubles.
In lines one through five of the poem, the author illustrates the beginning of the debate. The mortgage would be paid off if they had a lumberjack bring down the tree. The tone is serious, you can tell by the way the author begins the first line so directly and matter of fact, "my mother and I debated"
Lines six through twelve the author uses imagery to give the reader a clear picture of the tree, and more reasons to rid of the tree. Such as, it's roots growing into the cellar and it's heavy leaves. I feel she painted a dark picture of the tree.
The following line is the turning point in the poem, also where we find the conflict. "something brighter that money" (line 13-line14) In my mind, when i read this line someone turned on the sun. The author goes on to talk about the father and blue fields and starts to incorporate color into the poem, lightening the mood. This is where their family heritage means more to them than money.
For these reasons, the family is struggling in their decision to keep the tree. The tree must have meant something more to the father, and in turn means more to them, than ridding their financial burden.
In lines one through five of the poem, the author illustrates the beginning of the debate. The mortgage would be paid off if they had a lumberjack bring down the tree. The tone is serious, you can tell by the way the author begins the first line so directly and matter of fact, "my mother and I debated"
Lines six through twelve the author uses imagery to give the reader a clear picture of the tree, and more reasons to rid of the tree. Such as, it's roots growing into the cellar and it's heavy leaves. I feel she painted a dark picture of the tree.
The following line is the turning point in the poem, also where we find the conflict. "something brighter that money" (line 13-line14) In my mind, when i read this line someone turned on the sun. The author goes on to talk about the father and blue fields and starts to incorporate color into the poem, lightening the mood. This is where their family heritage means more to them than money.
For these reasons, the family is struggling in their decision to keep the tree. The tree must have meant something more to the father, and in turn means more to them, than ridding their financial burden.
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