practice 1 Revision Strategies

  After reading a letter to the administrator from the outraged students, I feel it was a poorly written letter with a weak thesis statement. I also found it to be unorganized on a global scale, with missing transitional phrases to help the flow of the paragraphs. As, well as some punctuation errors.

   To begin, I would like to start with the thesis statement. “We, a group of students here want to urge you not to add a community service requirement.

Their are many reasons why community service should not be mandatory: college students are already too busy, community service is a waist of time, your unfairly making us, community service is only valuable if it is provided voluntarily, and, because we’re so busy, many of us will do a bad job.” I feel this is an attack on the administrator, and a poorly written thesis, if I were reading this from their point of view I would go no farther. Maybe try to use some I statements instead of attacking. Organize your thoughts a little bit as well its very repetitive. 

    Carrying on, I felt the thoughts were unorganized, marked by the lack of transitional phrases making the paragraphs abrupt.  “We aren’t obligated to help the community, and it really doesn’t even need help from us. And

requiring community service lessons the meaning and the benefit to the student. Its useful only if its voluntary.“ This shows how you, the writer jumps right into a paragraph with no transition. Also, this is a very short thought, can you give examples of how the community does not need your help? Elaborate on your ideas to give them depth and organization.

    Lastly, I would like to touch on punctuation. It seems that you have some difficulty with conjunctions.  "We need to develop our social skill’s" In this sentence skills is a plural not a conjunction. Just remember to proof read your work. 

   In conclusion, this could have been a well written letter, had you thought out your ideas, and organized them in a manner that could be read clearly.

   

practice 1 anaylsis and response formal essay

   Upon analysing Auden, W.H., “Musée des Beaux Arts.”, I found it to be a boring mono-tone poem about suffering, and how suffering effects everyone, but no one is willing to help. The poem is full of split lines adding an abrupt end to each thought. However, the poem has few but strong imagery. 

    Exploring this poem, I found the tone to be very dark, and sad. "About suffering they were never wrong,The Old Masters: how well they understood

Its human position; how it takes place”(Auden line 1-3) Everyone suffers everyone and deals with it differently is the interpretation I got from these lines. And as I read them, it was in a few drab tone due to the subject of suffering.

    Secondly, I found the splitting of the lines “While someone else is eating or opening a window or just walking dully along;

How, when the aged are reverently, passionately waiting

For the miraculous birth, there always must be

Children who did not specially want it to happen, skating

On a pond at the edge of the wood: They never forgot That even the dreadful martyrdom must run its course”(Auden Line 4- 10) added a pause to in places with writer wanted the reader to really focus on. Adding emphasis to "they never forgot"(Auden line 9)

    On another note I felt the writer had strong sence of imagery when he wrote the line, "As it had to on the white legs disappearing into the green

Water; and the expensive delicate ship that must have seen

Something amazing, a boy falling out of the sky,

Had somewhere to get to and sailed calmly on.” (Auden Line18-20). You can almost see the painting the writer is looking at in the moment.

    To wrap things up, I felt the poem was mono-tone, and very dry to read. All the way up until the last four lines when everything comes together and you can see, what the writer sees.

practice 1 Analysis/Response pre-writing

Subject:”About suffering they were never wrong,

The Old Masters: how well they understood

Its human position; how it takes place” everyone suffers everyone deals with it differently

Imagery

Tone” In Brueghel’s Icarus, for instance: how everything turns away

Quite leisurely from the disaster; the ploughman may

Have heard the splash, the forsaken cry,

But for him it was not an important failure; the sun shone

As it had to on the white legs disappearing into the green

Water; and the expensive delicate ship that must have seen

Something amazing, a boy falling out of the sky,

Had somewhere to get to and sailed calmly on.” people turn away from suffering just look the other way, even when a boy maybe falling from the sky because your things you may have to do are more important

stanza/line structure “While someone else is eating or opening a window or just walking dully along;

How, when the aged are reverently, passionately waiting

For the miraculous birth, there always must be

Children who did not specially want it to happen, skating

On a pond at the edge of the wood:” splitting up the line to add a pause for emphasis

practice 1 Argumentation

   It has been an on going argument over time, should students hold a job for money? Some say no, it takes time away from their studies, and in return the extra cash takes away their free time by their choice to let loose and have a good time. Others will argue on the other side, they are learning responsibility of money and time management. I would group myself with the later of the two choices, working students are learning the value of money, the responsibility of a job, such as the balance of an outside life, the real world if you will.

   Wouldn't it be great to buy something on your own, and not have to ask your parents for some money to buy the latest, insert your desired item. Well students that work have had this thought, and are working to do so. Thus learning money and money management, is this worth all the hours I worked. Students become more careful with what they buy rather than spending money that was just handed to them by a parent. In Walter S. Minot's article he says “They worked so that they could spend $60 to $100 a week on designer jeans, rock concerts, stereo and video systems, and, of course, cars. They were living lives of luxury, buying items on which their parents refused to throw their hard-earned money away.” Once the value of money is learned, the student will refuse to throw their hard-earned money away.

   Going on, students will graduate, and they will hold jobs out there in the world, so why not learn now the responsibility that comes along with it, this includes, time management. Think about this for a minute, as an adult do you just go to work then bed and do nothing else. I didn't think so. You work, have a social life, and a home life. A student is learning how to go to school, have a job and balance homework and social life. When Walter S. Minot says “And perhaps our economy will continue to decline as full-time students from Japan and Europe continue to out-perform our part-time students.” Our “part time students” if you will, have a great work ethic built from starting young, and learning how to manage their time to the most efficient way possible.

   In conclusion, the working student is learning the true value of money and hard work, while staying out of trouble with little free time for drugs and mischievous behaviors. As well as, learning how to manage their time effectively. These students work hard, that's why they found a job in the first place.

revision strategy of comment

   I found the response to my revision strategy essay to be well written, with distinct key points of my improvement such as, revising the thesis statement, and conclusion, and adding evidence to my essay. I found these points to be presented in an organized, well developed manner.
    From a global stand point, the response is organized and easy to follow. The response is filled with great evidence on how to revise my essay such as, " I will say that, even in a revision strategies essay, you should try to stick to the full essay format. For example, the revision strategies essay is also missing a thesis statement. Your main body paragraphs give easily followed transitions (1: organization, 2: topic sentences, 3: supporting evidence). However, your thesis statement is “The writer may want to consider a more thorough read through to make sure mechanics such as, grammar and punctuation are correct." Unfortunately, this thesis statement does not address your main topics.". This gives a great way to improve upon the thesis of my previous essay. Continuing on, I feel the evidence and organization was also included through the explanation of a conclusion, for example, "Consider this restatement a rubber stamp on the paper."
     Moving on in the response, the lack of fully developed ideas, and having to jump between articles is brought to my attention. "Without reading the response essay, I do not know the specifics that you are referring to. I would like you to explain to me why you have the point of view you have". This is a good point, for some people may not have access to both articles, or what not. I felt you presented this idea in a well thought out fashion.
     My final thoughts, would be how to present my own paper in my voice. As i read through your response, your voice came through with the directions.
     In conclusion, I felt this was a well organized response, with few grammatical errors. Also, full of useful evidence as well as, ideas on improvement.
     
   

revision strategy essay

    In reviewing the response essay, The Black walnut tree, I found it to be a fair written essay. The writer overall, is organized with a clear logical thesis. However, lacking topic sentences, and relating back to the thesis makes the essay a choppy read. Also, ideas of the essay may not be fully developed and lacking ample evidence. The writer may want to consider a more thorough read through to make sure mechanics such as, grammar and punctuation are correct.
    To start off this review, I would like to note the writers organization. I feel the origination is well done as it follows the order of the poem. If the writer would like to improve they may want to look at their thesis, and write the essay in that order. Another option would be to rewrite the thesis to match the body of the essay. Otherwise the organization is well constructed with strong sentence structure.
     The next point that caught my attention, was the lack of topic sentences. This point made it difficult to follow the essay as the writer jumps directly into the next topic. Transitions are key when writing, and should be smooth for a reader. The missing topic sentences made the paper boring to read.
     My final suggestion to the writer, is to make sure you have fully developed ideas, with supporting evidence. The first two paragraphs are lacking in this department. However, if they were to follow more closely to the context of the third paragraph this would be a better developed essay.
    In conclusion, this writer has room for improvement in transitioning the body of the essay, and developing each paragraph to get their point across to their reader. As well as, improvement at a more local level, such as punctuation, where to use a period instead of a comma for instance. Overall this is a good start to an essay, but it can be built upon.
 

The Black Walnut Tree 2

Upon analyzing "the black walnut tree" written by Mary Oliver, I found it to be about a struggle between financial burden verses family heritage. It is a well written poem, and when you read between the lines you find a mother and a daughter trying to come to a decision about this tree, whether to keep it, and honor the father, or to rid the tree and their financial troubles. I feel the poem is well written, with a good use of imagery, and the use of line splitting to add emphasis throughout the poem.
     The author illustrates the beginning of the debate (oliver, line 1-5), the mortgage would be paid off if they had a lumberjack bring down the tree. The tone is serious, you can tell by the way the author begins the first line so directly and matter of fact, "my mother and I debated"(Oliver line 1). The end of the line creates the tone.
     The author uses imagery to give the reader a clear picture of the tree, and more reasons to rid of the tree. Such as, "it's roots growing into the cellar" and "it's heavy leaves"(Oliver, line12-14). I feel she painted a dark picture of the tree. This dark imagery shows the reader the one side of the struggle.
     The following line is the turning point in the poem, also where we find the conflict. "something brighter that money" (Oliver, line 18-line19) In my mind, when I read this line someone turned on the sun. The author goes on to talk about the father and blue fields and starts to incorporate color into the poem, lightening the mood. This is where their family heritage means more to them than money.
     For these reasons, the morgage and the spirit of the father, the family is struggling in their decision to keep the tree. The tree must have meant something more to the father, and in turn means more to them, than ridding their financial burden.