practice 1 Revision Strategies

  After reading a letter to the administrator from the outraged students, I feel it was a poorly written letter with a weak thesis statement. I also found it to be unorganized on a global scale, with missing transitional phrases to help the flow of the paragraphs. As, well as some punctuation errors.

   To begin, I would like to start with the thesis statement. “We, a group of students here want to urge you not to add a community service requirement.

Their are many reasons why community service should not be mandatory: college students are already too busy, community service is a waist of time, your unfairly making us, community service is only valuable if it is provided voluntarily, and, because we’re so busy, many of us will do a bad job.” I feel this is an attack on the administrator, and a poorly written thesis, if I were reading this from their point of view I would go no farther. Maybe try to use some I statements instead of attacking. Organize your thoughts a little bit as well its very repetitive. 

    Carrying on, I felt the thoughts were unorganized, marked by the lack of transitional phrases making the paragraphs abrupt.  “We aren’t obligated to help the community, and it really doesn’t even need help from us. And

requiring community service lessons the meaning and the benefit to the student. Its useful only if its voluntary.“ This shows how you, the writer jumps right into a paragraph with no transition. Also, this is a very short thought, can you give examples of how the community does not need your help? Elaborate on your ideas to give them depth and organization.

    Lastly, I would like to touch on punctuation. It seems that you have some difficulty with conjunctions.  "We need to develop our social skill’s" In this sentence skills is a plural not a conjunction. Just remember to proof read your work. 

   In conclusion, this could have been a well written letter, had you thought out your ideas, and organized them in a manner that could be read clearly.